loveisadogfromhell's Xanga

Ich liebe dich.

Tue, 15 May 2007 21:33:06 GMT

I've moved:

www.xanga.com/SpaceTravelIs_Boring

*smile*

Answers

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 23:33:13 GMT

What was it that made you change your mind about Mormonism?

The first step, I guess, was being in despair. I wasn't looking for a crutch but I did realize that my proud and hardened attempts to attain happiness for myself were utterly futile. I looked at all organized religion with skepticism but somehow I knew that if there was a church that was right, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was it. While healing from despair, I began to look at the church with new eyes-- eyes fresh with hope and humility. It opened my heart to feelings of wonder and awe, that perhaps there really was something to all this. I read the Book of Mormon finally (it's amazing how many people reject this church without sincerely reading that precious book) and there it was: undeniable proof of the Restoration. It implied everything. If this really was a record of ancient prophets in North and South America, then... whoa.

Do you miss fornicating?

No. (smile) I think of sex now as a secret... the best secret. The deepest and most wonderful secret, and I don't want to tell the secret to anyone who won't keep it safe. I only want to share what is truly mine with the man who knows everything about me, who knows my fears and weaknesses and passions and desires, who will stand by me through heaven and hell, who will be my best friend and companion. To me, sex is the physical manifestation of an emotional and spiritual covenant. I think I will be happiest if I treat it that way.

When was the last time you felt joy [it better have been recently!]?

At church this morning four friends of mine sang the hymn, "If You Could Hie to Kolob." My favorite lyrics, sung so beautifully:

"There is no end to glory, there is no end to love. There is no end to being, there is no death above."

I felt joy then.

What do you think the key to a happy life is?

Aknowledging my faults and mistakes, without shame or guilt, which can be a painful process. Ask for forgiveness, accept forgiveness, forgive myself. Commit to being more kind, more honest, more selfless. Forgive others constantly for their mistakes (not to say their mistakes are constant... just that I ought to forgive the moment I feel an offense).

Basically, repentance and forgiveness. (Hugh Nibley said that.)

Do you know where you're going yet?

No. But I'll be shouting it from the rooftops when I do.

Any more questions?

Ask me something.

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 22:05:39 GMT

An Update from Your Favorite Mormon...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 22:25:37 GMT

I crouched on the living room floor wrestling with a small dog when I spotted it: the gigantic framed map of the world leaning against the wall.

I crawled slowly over to it. I don't know where the dog went, maybe it vanished. Who cares. I sat cross-legged in front of it for over an hour as I fell in love with the Earth.

Why did it have that effect on me? I don't know, but I tracing my finger over every name of every city in every corner of this big blue world made my heart swell with gratitude.

In two point five weeks, I'll find out where I go. To love, to teach, to serve. And I'll know that nowhere on the face of this whole planet can compare with where I am sent, even if it's Boise, Idaho; because I have been prepared my whole life, without even knowing it, to meet the people I will meet there. I know in my mind and in my heart that this is a most sacred work.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:38:15 GMT

It's funny how the demise of a cat can bring a mother and daughter so much closer. My mom calls me every day to share memories of the cat, to cry while I listen, to let me know of her current plans to commemorate her. Mom's kind of gone off the deep end: she's building a shrine to put by the shed where Lucy's buried, complete with plastic tulips (Lucy's favorite flower to destroy) and a cat statue.

I think it's just been a while since someone/thing has died. We all forgot how helpless we are against the suddenness and the absolution of death. But, it's our universal heritage. Things must die.

But we ought not to dwell too long on the inevitable.

----------------------------------------------------

I think I'm falling in love. That's appropriate, right? It's spring, the flowers are blooming, I've just decided to become basically a monk for a year and a half... great time to start caring about someone.

He is extremely special, though. And he was right in front of me for over a year-- how did I never see it? Why now, at the most inconvenient time?

Actually, the answer is simple, embarrassing, and proof that I follow my heart less and my lower extremeties more than I think: I knew he was intelligent, honest, sweet, and quirky; but what did it?

The rumba.

*rolls eyes*

And so now, along with everything else, I've developed an obsession with ballroom dancing. The rumba. The cha cha. Salsa. West Coast swing (by far my favorite). He's even begun teaching me the Argentine Tango!

And we know we shouldn't. We're both leaving, and taking utter and complete vows to lock our hearts while we're gone... and our well-meaing, albeit obnoxious friend gaves us his "The Best Time to Lock Your Heart is Now" lecture the other night, and when we were alone again, I said,

"I'm not locking my heart." And he said,

"Me neither." Pause. "Do you want to?"

"No."

"Me neither."

And that's the extent of our communication on the subject. He's moving to Brazil next month. That event is like the elephant in the room we're trying to ignore. It's dumb, it's stupid, and I've noticed that nearly everyone in Mormon Culture does it. My disdain for Mormon Culture makes it worse.

Sigh. Do you guys want to see a picture?

*sniff*

Fortunately our connection runs deeper than the thrill of Latin dances, and a good friend pointed out that we could actually be a great strength to each other as we serve missions simultaneously. We'll be going through the same things at roughly the same time and we'll be able to write to each other the entire time. Who knows, right now could be laying the foundation for something wonderful ahead. Or I could be needlessly torturing myself.

To those who knew her:

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:32:22 GMT

My dear, dear, beautiful cat Lucy died today.

I was at my parents house, visiting. My brother and I were playing Dance Dance Revolution and my parents were watching us from the armchairs, laughing.

Suddenly my mom got up and left through the front door. We waited for a few minutes but she never came back, so my dad and Gwydion and I went looking for her.

She was walking across the lawn, holding a large shoebox and crying. She said that Lucy had gotten hit. I cried like a little child, and my brother and father's faces went still as stone. My mom held the box helplessly.

"We have to bury her," my dad said. We went to the backyard. The grass was green, dark and rich. While my dad began to dig a hole by the shed, we sat down next to the box and opened it. She lie, curled, looking alive but asleep, except for the spots of blood on her chest. She was still warm. We pet her, and cried, and my brother finally began to cry, too.

We picked up her little body and gently placed her in the ground.

All things were created spiritually before they were organized physically. All will be resurrected, and spirit and element inseparably reunited receive a fulness of joy.

So I was doing yoga the other day...

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 22:29:24 GMT

...and it's hot yoga, you know, so it's like ten million degrees in the room, and my hair is falling out of its ponytail and it's all sticking to my neck and I was like, freaking forget this. So...

Okay, this curl... is natural. I did nothing. It air-dried this way.

I think if my boobs were smaller, I'd look thinner.

The end. I like it.

And, ahem, I have a really exciting date tomorrow night with someone special!

I will tell you in your mind and in your heart.

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 22:19:42 GMT

I feel fabulous. A long-awaited calm has settled over me. Life seems benign, even encouraging. I see a bright future ahead.

Oddly, it's PMS week and the weather is gray. This, whatever it is, must be powerful enough to overcome hormones and other emotional dispositions.

Part of this feeling is an overwhelming desire to do good to my fellow men. Do any of you have need of anything? I don't have much substance to give but I can listen well. Sometimes that's all we need, is to be listened to.

I should mention-- I mean, it's important-- that I'm planning to leave at some undetermined time to some undetermined place for 18 months (you Mormons will be able to guess why). I'll probably leave in June or July. I could be going anywhere from Zimbabwe to Des Moines. But wherever it is will be the right place.

Anyway, blogging will officially end for a year and a half. That is a long time, or not long at all. A lot can happen, but sometimes very little does. But remember my desire to become a good woman? This will be another crucial step in that. In becoming the woman of my dreams. The woman who my husband will marry and who my kids will be born to. We each have a destiny and I'm beginning to feel the weight of my own.

There's something about the way that your mouth said, "Where's my ride?"

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:20:01 GMT

Hmm. Let's see. The chronology of the night is church dance, swing club, IHOP, but since these photos ended up in strange groupings, we'll do this in segments:

People Who Are Usually Much Better-Looking Than This:

Dude I met at the swing club, eating a lemon, at IHOP.

Amy! My fabulous, globe-trotting friend who would kill me if she knew I put this on here. Excuse her, she just came out of a turn...

And Glenn! Finally, a Glenn picture! (For all who remember him... we were infatuated for most of last year.) Um... again, he usually looks much better than this. And he has no excuse; I don't know why he made this face.

Somehow All of My Friends Have Blue Eyes:

Me + Joe

Me + Jenny

Me + Tate (who said I was an excellent dancer... score!)

Me + Glenn again. Killer cheekbones! And yes, he is blind in one eye... he says the lack of depth perception makes him a better artist...

Me + Joseph, who is oh so dreamy... I'm majorly crushin'... his glasses, not mine... (for those who read, he's the one who made me realize how sexy swing dancing can be)

Boys Attempting to Look Sassy:

Joseph + Josh (Joseph's super power is amazing eyebrow control...)

Glenn again.... ::shakes head::

A Near/Far Siobhan and Amy Experience:

Near... (she's so cute!)

Far! (What's with the beefy arm? I think that's why people keep asking me if I'm strong...) (I'm not.)

The One Where Glenn Looks Like a Priest:

The One Where Glenn Shows Off His Stunning Profile:

And a Brief IHOP Experience:

Jess + The Dude (I told her to make a naughty face; she said she didn't know how; Joseph said "Just make the face you always do..." She was shocked. Usually Joseph doesn't say things like that.) (The Dude was audacious enough to make fun of her. That's why he's called The Dude.)
(Jess, by the way, is a 24yo chemist/dance instructor who owns a bulldog and a great Dane. I LOVE quirky people.)

And last, but certainly not least... Sighhhh.

Juxtaposed: Valentine's Day Party

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 19:19:54 GMT

Last year:

(I named my balloon Matt Damon... he hovered near my bed until his slow deflation was complete. Sigh.)

This year:

And for kicks, Siobhan does not pay attention:

Didn't take the balloon home this year. I can exist quite well on my own.

(Let's hear it for being single two Valentine's Days in a row!)

P.S. Sorry these are coming so late... this sinus infection is doing wonders for getting me back into blogging.